July 3, 2002

Dear Scott,

You know of me but you dont know who I really am.  So I am writing you this letter to let you know a little bit about me and what you did to me when you hit my truck in March of 97.  I dont know if you really care or anything but this is one way for me to heal.  Well the nightmares anyways.  I am hoping this will help me sleep better at night and also help me with the nightmares. 

Let me begin by saying you have really changed my life.  Before the accident I was a very outgoing, always on the go type of person.  Now I mainly sit home cause of the pain and fears.  Right before the accident in fact the same day of the accident I received a letter from MSU.  I was accepted into there veterinary program.  I had huge plans of becoming a Vet.  In high school I was a 4.0 student and I worked hard to get there just so I could become a Vet.  But again you changed that on me too.  I was living a normal happy life.  I was a hard worker and even though I was working for Wal-Mart I loved it.  I knew that when I got into college I could be who I wanted to be.  But now I cant do the Vet program cause of my injuries.  Dont have much feeling in two of my fingers to be able to go inside and animal and feel what I need to, to save it. 

Since the day of our accident I have underwent 23 surgeries to try and repair all my broken bones and try and get everything to work.  After 5 years I am finally walking without assistance.  I had taken  Physical therapy for almost 4 years.  I havent slept much since the date of the accident.  Afraid too is more like it.  I have pain everyday and everyday I am reminded of how you have changed my life. 

My husband left me in 99 cause he could not take the change in me.  The depression and the pain and the way I was.  Not knowing if I would walk again if I could work again or even if I would be back to my old self. 

Just to let you know what I went threw I will give you the break down the short version of it.  I had to have someone feed me, bath me, even wipe me.   I had to relearn how to walk and write.  I had to have someone with me for over 6 months to help me cook and clean and do anything that a normal person would be able to do on their own.  Do you know how embarrassing that is?   I went through a lot of pain and still am.  I tried to go back to work and when I did my body told me NO.  My wrist gave out on me.  Would not let me pick anything up or push or pull anything.  I could no longer use it.  My knee also decided to start popping when I would walk, and my neck has a pinched nerve in it from the accident.   So I had to have  physical therapy 3 times a week.  Again reminded of the pain I must live with. 

I have had a lot of nightmares from the accident.  I dont know what all happened or how it did happen.  All I know is that you were drunk and you hit my ex husband and me.  I was told we rolled about 3 times, and that I was trapped in our truck.  They had to use the Jaws of Life to get me out.  My nightmares are of seeing headlights coming towards me, and blood going down my face.  From what I have been told from some of the witness is that I did have blood down my face cause my head was cut open.  They say I was awake and talking.  But to this day I really dont know. 

I just dont understand why you were drinking and driving.  I was going to take my nephew with us to have Easter dinner with my family and I am so glad that I didnt.  You not just changed my life but you have changed the people around me lives.    My mother is scared for me when I go up north to visit them.  I have to call them before I leave and when I get home from up there just so they know I made it home safe.  My step dad lost a child to a Drunk Driver and he thought I was a goner too.  Thank goodness I am a fighter and dont give up.  My ex-husband felt like he should have been the one hurt cause he was driving and that is another reason why he left me. 

I have not forgotten what you have done to me and never will, but I can say I have almost forgiven you.  Cant say I have all the way yet.  Cause I still get upset when I get a letter telling me that they have transferred you to another place.  And when the date of the accident comes up its still hard for me to drive.  If I do drive I dont go that far.  Afraid it may happen to me again.  The only thing I wanted to hear out of your mouth when I seen you in court was that you were sorry and meant it.  I dont know to this day if you really are sorry or not.  Or if this will ever teach you that drinking and driving dont mix.  I just hope that when you read this letter you will say to yourself I really cause a lot of pain to someone that I didnt even know and that I really am sorry for it, and that you have learned from all of this and will not do it again when you get out of prison.  You could have killed me, or the other witness that was beside us that had a child in the car with them.  I hope you thank God everyday that you didnt kill someone, that you only hurt them.  I mean you did kill a part of me but I am still here to write you and let you know what all you have done to me and how you have affected my life.  I dont know if I ever will be able to get back to my old self and I know I will never be without pain.  The doctors have already told me to get used to the pain I live in cause I will have it for the rest of my life.  I now have to live day by day and minute by minute cause you chose to drink and drive.  Your lucky you dont have to live that way.  When you get out you can go back to living the normal life.  I am the same age as you can put yourself in my shoes and see how you would feel if I was the one that did this to you instead of you doing it to me.  I know I would feel so guilty and want to do everything I could do to make things better.  I never drank and drove, only cause I know what affect it has on someone and their family.  I have had several friends killed from drinking and driving or was also hit by a drunk driver.  I am just hoping you will find a spot in your heart to see what you have done and feel bad about it and mean it with your heart. 

Life for me now isnt easy.  Its a battle everyday that I have to live with.  I dont know from day to day if I can go out and do something or not.  Some days the pain is so bad I just lay in bed and pray to God that he can take the pain away from me just so I can enjoy one day.  I live on pain pills just to help me get out of bed each and every day and I use sleeping pills to TRY and help me sleep.  I get if I am lucky with even taking these pills to get about 3 hours of sleep a night and that is not at one time its like 15 minutes here and 15 there.  When I see a car accident I still get sick from it  and I dont mean sick as in mad I mean sick, sick and pray that everyone in the car made it out of it alive and not injured.   I just hope that when you are released that you will turn your life around and start over and not drink and hurt someone else.  I could tell when I seen you, you have a heart just didnt want to show it to anyone. 

I hope this letter will help you see how you have affect someone life.  And now maybe you can say Im sorry and mean it this time.

Thank you for reading this letter and sorry if I took up your time.